Grief, Loss and Roast Potatoes
Grief is extremely mean and has a habit of making itself at home for a while longer than you’d like. That feeling of loss is ironically incredibly heavy. After mum died, I kept having flashbacks to being a kid lost in the big ASDA crying out her name, to no avail. The reality of my youth is that she was always just busy weighing out 100 kilos of potatoes for the Sunday roast. Today I’m just someone in their late thirties who misses their mum terribly. Especially her roast potatoes.
The worst part is that I know everyone I know has, is and will experience that type of gut-wrenching grief in their lifetime. Despite the inevitability, nobody seems to want to talk about it. Especially in a work setting. I don’t think this helps anybody.
The topic of grief and bereavement is getting more people talking, however, thanks in part to the work of the UK Commission on Bereavement, established in 2021. It was set up to improve support for bereaved individuals, especially those who may feel marginalised or under-supported in their grief journey.
The commission highlighted the issues that many bereaved people face—ranging from lack of access to timely support services, to difficulties in the workplace, and even a general social reluctance to talk about death. What’s more, “a third of adult respondents felt not at all or only a little bit supported by their employer” (bereavementcommission.org.uk).
A third of employees were going through the head-exploding pain of loss without the support they really needed from colleagues? I was shocked and unsurprised all at the same time. One thing I do know for sure is that grief is not a linear process. Sorry for the truism. You might feel like you’ve “accepted” the situation, only to suddenly find yourself back in guilt or fear. Or, like me, you might feel like you’re coping with the initial shock of things (thanks dissociation!) and then, six months later, be hit hard.
Obviously, there's no right way to grieve, and sometimes it can feel like you're taking two steps forward and one step back. And grief isn’t neat and tidy either – it doesn’t come in a nice, labelled box. Grief is fear, loss, anger, guilt, envy, and so much more. I experienced all sorts of weird symptoms, like memory loss, loss of appetite and headaches, too. For this reason, support in the initial aftermath of grief is essential, of course, but not likely to be the last bit people need. It might be wise to offer support for a while after bereavement at a pace that suits the individual.
The Government, since the report has thankfully taken action on this, in the shape of their 2024 Employment Rights Bill:
“The Employment Rights Bill will establish an entitlement to Bereavement Leave. This will be a day one right to protected time off for employees to grieve the loss of a loved one. It will provide a clear baseline for employers and protect those employees who might not have otherwise received time off from their employer.” (https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/employment-rights-bill-factsheets)
This has all sparked a wider discussion on the importance of creating a culture where grief is openly acknowledged, rather than something to be quietly endured privately. Workplaces need to start preparing for what might be eventually mandatory anyway; why not be ahead of the curve?
Here are some things to consider:
· Get your grief and bereavement policies in order
· Consider how mental health support is offered to employees around grief
· Reflect on whether grief is talked about openly in your workplace
· Be open to change and be flexible as grief is complex
· Be mindful of anniversaries
· Learn to make your mum’s roast potatoes, don’t delay
The big question to ask yourself is – how comfortable am I talking to colleagues about loss and grief? Share in the comments where you think you are on that journey.
If you’re impacted by grief then please, please know you’re not alone. You can find some very useful support at https://www.cruse.org.uk/, https://www.samaritans.org/ or www.sueryder.org